I'm a writer, I think...Or at least I was.
I have not written anything for months. I have not had time and I have been afraid of my own words; my own voice.
Between forging a new career and studying I have had no time to write...correction, I haven't made the time. Part of me has fallen out of love with the process. Some of the attraction/my passion stemmed from the dream of one day seeing myself published. I don't have that dream anymore. Despite this colossal realisation, not even my new career can match the passion I once held for writing.
I have decided that I am having a love-hate relationship with my writing. I'm sort of at a loose end. Kind of like a relationship you have with another person that has soured because one of you cheated (that would be me) and though the passion has dimmed considerably, the nostalgia prevents you from moving on. The memories plague the back of the mind and old feelings resurface, but then you remember your present situation and you feel so tired. Tired that you bothered to remember and too tired to want to try again.
I'm at a 'minor' crossroads in my life. I now have time to focus on my writing, though I'm not sure that I want to. I have told people that I will, because I think that is what they want to hear or should hear or whatever. Not only am I battling...deciding what to do in respect of my voice, I am mulling over a number of choices/decisions at present, some of them life-altering. It's not uncommon for me to wonder if I did myself, my writing, a disservice by not taking it seriously earlier on. Then it flips; perhaps I should have never tried to turn my first love into anything more than it already was. I ran out of steam. I over-analysed. I let fear and failure grip me and push me into a completely different direction.
I have this space which I use sporadically. I do not advertise or promote it on social networking sites. On the odd occasion I have linked some pieces to family and friends, to get an opinion from those who know me best. This place is what it is.
As a writer...as a person who truly used to love writing (even the very act of writing!) I am at a crossroads.
